Today’s episode is for my fellow people-pleasers, the ones who can’t say no, who keep piling on favours, and who somehow end up doing unpaid “volunteer” work for friends, bosses, and random acquaintances who mistake kindness for free labour. (Yes, I’ve been there… more than once.)
In this episode, I share:
- My own journey from chronic people-pleaser to boundary-setting human being
- The sneaky ways takers drain your time, energy, and sanity
- Why guilt keeps us stuck and why Mel Robbins’ “Let Them” rule was a game-changer
- How burnout didn’t just affect me but also the people I love
- The mindset shift that helped me finally put myself first
- Red flags to spot a taker before they get their hooks in you
Don’t miss my related article on this topic. You can read it via Medium.
Full Episode Transcript
Hey, it’s Jacq, and you’re listening to Episode 8 of JacQ of All Trades.
Today, we’re talking about something very close to my heart… and also the reason I’ve had more than a few burnouts in my life.
We’re going to discuss setting boundaries especially if you’re the kind of person who gives and gives… until you’ve got nothing left but dark circles and caffeine breath.
The title of today’s episode comes from a quote that’s been floating around forever: “Givers have to set limits because takers rarely do.”
I don’t know if Henry Ford really said that or if it was just another one of those internet misquotes… but either way, it’s true. And I’ve lived it. Many times.
So grab a drink, get comfy, and let’s talk about why being “the reliable one” can be both a blessing and a curse, and how you can stop takers from draining your time, energy, and sanity.
I used to be allergic to the word “no.”
With friends? Favours after favours. With bosses? Extra tasks. For clients? Usually it’s the “quick” job that somehow eats my entire weekend… for free.
I was the human Swiss Army knife, useful for everything and everyone… except myself.
One time, and this one still makes me shake my head. A “friend” asked me to help her with a project. I poured days into it. I did the research, writing, and all the grunt work. Later, I found out it was actually a paid job for her client. And the only thing she contributed? A text to me saying, “Hey, can you help?”
The audacity! Safe to say, she’s no longer in my inner circle now. In fact, she’s not even in my outer circle. More like… orbiting around a different planet. Good riddance!
Here’s the thing: back then, saying no felt impossible.
I’d turn down a request, feel guilty, then rush to finish whatever I was doing just so I could text them and say: “Hey, I’m free now. Still need help?”
Newsflash: they always still needed help.
It was like they were so willing to wait for me to clear my schedule than doing the work themselves.
Nobody ever said, “Jacq, are you okay? Are you sleeping? Are you… alive?”
This is where Mel Robbins’ Let Them method really clicked for me. If you haven’t read this book, I highly recommend it. The idea is: let people be who they are. If they’re the type to take advantage or never reciprocate… let them. That way, you can also let yourself be who you are, someone who values their own time and peace.
Someone else’s poor planning or lack of effort shouldn’t be your emergency anymore.
Of course, it took more than a few “let them” moments to learn this.
After a couple of spectacular burnouts, I hit a wall, not just mentally, but physically.
My real friends noticed it before I did. They’d see me zoning out mid-conversation. They would comment on the lovely panda eyes I was rocking from all those sleepless nights. Some even avoided asking me for favours, even tiny ones, because they could tell I was already carrying too much.
I found out all these later from my partner. And truthfully? That stung. Because those were the people who actually valued me. The ones I should’ve been making time for instead of the takers.
I started asking myself this question: If I have extra time or energy… why am I giving it to people who drain me, instead of the ones who fill my cup?
It’s like those oxygen mask instructions on airplanes: put yours on first. Not because you’re selfish, but because you’re useless to everyone if you’re passed out.
Here’s the other thing; I’m not even the type to ask for help. I already have enough on my plate without piling on someone else’s workload.
So, why was I doing it? Off the top of my head, I would say out of habit, guilt and a misplaced sense of responsibility.
Now, my rules are simple:
- If I have free time, I’d offer it to the people who’ve been there for me.
- Any extra effort I’m going to make? I’d save it for those who’d return the favour.
- If I feel guilt creeping in? I remind myself that the only people offended by my boundaries are the ones who benefited from me having none.
Now let’s get to the fun part. How do we spot takers before they can latch on?
Here are my top red flags:
- Urgency without empathy: They “need it now” but don’t care what you have to drop to make it happen.
- The snowball effect: You agree to one tiny favour… and suddenly you’re painting their whole house or managing their entire project.
- Selective memory: They forget every single time you’ve helped, but remember that one time you said no.
- The one-way street: When you need help? They’re conveniently “busy.”
- Flattery as currency: They would tell you “You’re so talented, I know only you can do this for me.” Translation: free labour incoming.
- Disguised demands: “Just want your quick opinion!” which turns into a 30-minute free consultation. If you’re a consultant, coach, or lawyer, you know your working knowledge and time are money right?
- The perpetual victim: There’s always a crisis, and somehow, fixing it becomes your job. Congratulations! You’ve become the MacGyver of their life.
- The “learning opportunity” trap: Oh, this is my favourite. I’ve been gaslighted into this many times in my industry. Like that one company owner who offered me a low-paying gig to “run a couple of conferences” because it would be good experience. Sir… I had already organized over 20 conferences at that point. What was I going to learn? How to work for peanuts?
Once you see these patterns, it’s like spotting red flags on a bad date. You can’t unsee them. And that makes it so much easier to just walk away.
Here’s the hard truth: Takers will keep taking until you set a limit. Then they’ll move on to the next person who hasn’t quite figured it out yet.
Be generous and be kind all you want but give your time and energy to the people who deserve it, not just the ones who expect it.
And if anyone tries to guilt you into changing that? Just smile sweetly, channel your inner Marie Kondo, and say, “You don’t spark joy… so I’m letting you go.”
Thanks for hanging out with me on this episode of JacQ of All Trades. If you enjoyed today’s chat, make sure to follow the podcast so you don’t miss future episodes.
And if you’ve got thoughts, stories, or even a spicy take on what we talked about today, I’d love to hear it. You can find me on Threads or Instagram. Links are in the show notes.
Until next time, take care of yourself… and maybe say “no” once in a while. It’s good for your health and your sanity.
