Ever felt like someone was trying to “fix” you with their advice? Or maybe you’ve caught yourself doing the same with good intentions, of course but still kinda bulldozing someone else’s perspective?
In this episode, we’re diving into the subtle (and sometimes not-so-subtle) ways we impose our values on others and why that’s a habit worth breaking. I’m also sharing personal stories, lessons I’ve learned the hard way, and how we can communicate better without turning into advice machines.
Topics include:
- Why “helping” sometimes feels like pressure
- The difference between sharing and imposing
- How trying to “win” can cost you a relationship
- Practical ways to influence without overstepping
Full Episode Transcript:
Hey, it’s Jacq and today we’re talking about something a little uncomfortable… but super important. Ever felt like someone’s trying to “fix” you with their advice and beliefs? Or maybe you’ve caught yourself doing that to someone else…with good intentions, of course, but it still rubbed them the wrong way?
Yeah. We’re diving into that. Why we sometimes impose our values or beliefs onto others, why that’s not cool, and what we can do instead without turning every conversation into a battlefield.
So grab a cup of coffee, settle in and let’s unpack this.
You know, growing up, we were all taught a certain set of values. Usually handed down by parents, teachers, coaches – you name it. And that’s not a bad thing. Passing on wisdom is part of being human.
But somewhere along the line, some of us forget that “sharing” isn’t the same as “shoving it down someone’s throat.”
Here’s a little analogy: imagine inviting someone into your home and they start rearranging your furniture. Like, “Ooh, your couch would look better over there.” Excuse me? Who asked?
That’s what it feels like when we impose our beliefs on someone. It’s like trying to feng shui their brain without consent. And I’ve been there too on both sides.
Back in the day, I got into an MLM business. I can pretty much feel you rolling your eyes. Anyway, I still had a full-time job, but I was totally sold on this idea of “passive income” and being my own boss. You know the vibe; quit your 9-to-5, fire your boss, and live the dream.
So I started parroting that message to anyone who’d listen… including my best friend.
She was the one who gently but firmly asked me if I’d ever considered that some people actually like their jobs. That not everyone sees 9-to-5 as soul-crushing doom.
That moment stopped me in my tracks.
Because truthfully? I liked my job. I liked waking up early, working with a team, learning from a boss, even the lunch breaks. Hello? Pantry gossips? What’s not to like right?
But I’d been conditioned to believe that success meant “freedom” and freedom meant no job, no boss, no structure. Turns out, I wasn’t chasing my own version of happiness. I was chasing someone else’s. And I was trying to sell it to everyone around me.
So let’s talk about why this happens and why we should really stop doing it.
First of all, it’s kind of narcissistic when you think about it.
I mean, when we impose our beliefs, what we’re really saying is, “I’ve figured it out, and clearly, you’re doing life wrong.” It’s like running your own reality show called Me, Me, Me: The Only Right Way to Live. Nobody wants to be around someone who’s constantly trying to reprogram them.
Next, it makes people feel like you don’t actually care about them.
You can drop all the motivational quotes you want, but if someone feels steamrolled in a conversation, they’re not going to feel seen or heard.
I remember this friend from high school. We went on a weekend trip once, and she kept pushing her food preferences on me. Like, “You have to try this, it’s my favorite!” I told her, politely, that I didn’t like it but she just wouldn’t drop it. I didn’t go on another trip with her again after that. Because when someone doesn’t respect your “no,” it’s not about food anymore. It’s about boundaries.
Another reason? It can come off as downright disrespectful, even offensive.
Especially in multicultural communities, which I grew up in. For example, offering pork to a Muslim friend or beef to a Hindu friend isn’t just awkward, it’s insensitive.
And this goes beyond religion. Take the guy at the grocery store who refused to buy a plastic bag. The cashier could just say, “It’s only 20 cents,” but to him, it wasn’t about the cost, it was about the principle. He wasn’t being cheap. He just didn’t want to contribute to plastic waste.
Everyone’s belief system has roots and meaning, even if we don’t always understand it.
And perhaps the biggest reason to stop imposing your values? It could cost you the relationship.
I learned this the hard way when I lost a customer. She wanted a particular design, but I thought it was… well, ugly. So I tried to push my “better” design instead.
Eventually, she gave in but not happily. I could tell she just wanted to wrap things up and be done with me. That was the last I heard from her.
You can win the argument and still lose the person. And honestly, that’s a hollow kind of victory.
Alright, so we’ve all done it now how do we not do it?
Well, first, practice empathy.
Try to actually understand where the other person is coming from. Are you trying to help them… or trying to be right? What’s your intention? Because if it’s not rooted in their best interest, maybe it’s time to pause.
Then, respect their autonomy.
People are the captains of their own ships. You can offer directions, but don’t try to grab the wheel. And remember, unsolicited advice? Usually goes straight into the mental trash bin.
Another thing that helps: ask questions instead of making statements.
Instead of saying, “You’re wrong,” try something like, “Oh, what made you feel that way?” or “How did you come to that belief?” You open the door to dialogue instead of shutting it with judgment.
And hey, embrace the differences.
If everyone thought the same way, life would be the human version of plain toast. I actually enjoy people who disagree with me when it’s constructive. It pushes me to think. Just… maybe not the ones who disagree just to be annoying. That’s another episode.
Finally, set some boundaries for yourself.
If you feel this itch to fix someone’s entire worldview, take a breath and repeat after me: Not my circus, not my monkeys.
At the end of the day, trying to impose your beliefs on someone is like insisting they eat your favorite ice cream even though they’re lactose intolerant. It’s not loving. It’s just pushy and now you’ve literally pushed them to the loo.
So the next time you’re tempted to “educate” someone into your way of thinking, take a step back. Ask yourself: Is this really about them… or about me?
You can influence people…sure. But real influence doesn’t come from pressure. It comes from understanding.
And that, my friend, is how we make space for better conversations and better connections.
That’s it for today’s episode. If you found this helpful, thought-provoking, or if it reminded you of that one person who needs to stop sending unsolicited advice via WhatsApp voice notes, go ahead and share it with them.
And hey, if you’re enjoying these chats, tap that follow button so you don’t miss the next episode. I’ve got plenty more where this came from.
Until then, stay kind, stay curious, and remember: your values are valid… but so are everyone else’s. Talk soon.
