In this episode of JacQ of All Trades, I’m diving into a topic that hits way too close to home for most of us: emotional blackmail.
Yep… that thing people do when they turn your kindness into a boomerang and throw it right back at your face.
I talk about:
- Why emotionally manipulative people love targeting kind, empathetic folks
- The classic emotional blackmail framework called FOG — Fear, Obligation, and Guilt
- The four “FOG magnets” that get pulled into this cycle over and over
- My own experiences with getting guilt-tripped by family, friends, even bosses
- And the moment I learned to say, “Nope. Not today, Satan.”
This is a heavier topic, but we’re keeping it cozy, conversational, and a little funny — because if we don’t laugh at our people-pleasing era, we might cry, and honestly… mascara is expensive.
💡 What You’ll Learn
- How to identify emotional manipulation even when it’s subtle
- Why your best qualities can also be your vulnerabilities
- Simple boundaries that protect your peace
- How to stop feeling responsible for everyone else’s feelings
- How to call people out (nicely… most of the time)
🎙️ Key Takeaways
- You’re not “too sensitive” — you’re empathetic, and manipulators love that.
- Emotional blackmail isn’t always intentional… but it’s still harmful.
- Fear, obligation, and guilt make you think you’re the problem — you aren’t.
- You can care without carrying.
- Boundaries are an act of love… for yourself.
🔗 Links Mentioned
- Episode 14: Helping People Isn’t Always About Them, It’s Often About Us
- My article that inspired this episode (add link once published)
💬 Join the Conversation
Got a story? A boundary you’re proud of?
Slide into my DMs on Instagram or Threads — I’d love to hear them.
📺 Prefer to Watch Instead?
You’ll also find this episode uploaded to my lifestyle YouTube channel.
🖤 If you enjoy the podcast…
Follow, rate, or share it with someone who needs to hear it — especially that one friend who somehow attracts every walking red flag in a 10km radius.
Full Transcript
Hey, welcome back to JacQ of All Trades, where we talk about pretty much anything and everything? Sometimes… my own questionable decisions.
Today is Episode 18, and we’re diving into something a little heavier and also very overdue: Why good people get trapped in emotional blackmail.
And yes… before you ask…No, it’s not because you’re “too nice” or “too soft” or “too naïve.” That’s the narrative manipulative people love to push, also known as gaslighting.
This is about how certain qualities — the good parts of us — get exploited by people who know exactly which emotional button to push.
And we’re gonna talk about it the casual, friendly Jacqie way.
So imagine we’re in a café, I’m sipping my coffee, you’re sipping your chai, and we’re side-eyeing each other because both of us know… we’ve forgiven someone way too many times.
Alright. Let’s dive in.
So the concept we’re talking about today is called FOG, popularized by therapist Susan Forward.
Fear. Obligation. Guilt.
These three emotions are basically the holy trinity of manipulation.
If emotional blackmail had a starter pack, it would be these three.
And unfortunately… good people, kind people, empathetic people are like magnets for FOG.
Not because we’re weak, but because we care.
But let me backtrack and share my own little history.
Let’s take a look at My Personal Blackmail Bingo Card, shall we?
Let me just say… I’ve had the full buffet.
Relatives? Check.
Friends? Check.
Bosses? Check.
Parents? Oh, absolutely check.
One of the most painful moments?
When my own mother said, “I’ve done so much for you. What have you done for me?” and this was in the middle of her trying to force me to make peace with a toxic sibling.
Yeah… that one stings. Still stings if I think about it too hard.
And look, I don’t believe all emotional blackmail is intentional.
Sometimes, people genuinely don’t realize they’re manipulating.
Because it’s how they were raised.
It’s how their parents communicated.
It’s what they learned.
But intentional or not…The impact is still the same. It still hurts.
And for kind-hearted people like us, it works frighteningly well.
And why? Because of these emotional tripwires. Let’s break them down.
There are Four Emotional Tripwires aka The FOG Magnets
I call them “tripwires” because honestly… the manipulator barely has to try.
You accidentally step on these emotions yourself, and boom! You’re in the guilt trap.
Let’s go through them one by one, in full conversational form.
The Peacemaker
You know this person. They can’t stand conflict.
If someone raises their voice just two decibels, they’re like, “Okay okay okay! You win! Please don’t shout!”
A peacemaker’s worst nightmare?
Someone being disappointed in them.
So the blackmailer’s tactic is easy: Threaten a meltdown. Throw a silent treatment. Hint at an argument.
Just the possibility of an outburst is enough to make the peacemaker fold like a soft taco.
Why they get sucked in? Because peace feels like oxygen to them. They’ll do anything to avoid emotional fire.
2. The Validation Seeker (aka The Approval Junkie)
This is the “If they don’t like me, I will die” club.
These folks crave external validation like it’s bubble tea on a hot day.
And emotional blackmailers? They’re like: “Oh? You want love? Approval? A pat on the head?”
“Then do what I want.”
The tactic is usually: “If you loved me, you’d do this.” Or “You don’t care about me.”
It’s like weaponized affection.
Why they get sucked in? Because losing someone’s approval feels like rejection. And rejection feels like doom.
3. The Guilt Sponge
Okay… this is me. I grew up thinking I needed to be responsible for everyone’s happiness.
If someone’s sad, I feel guilty. If someone’s angry, I feel guilty. If someone’s cat is stressed? Somehow I feel guilty too.
Blackmailers LOVE guilt sponges.
Their tactic? Classic guilt-tripping.
Lines like: “I guess it’s my fault for trusting you.” or the classic parent combo, “After everything I’ve done for you.”
Yup. Been there. More times than I’d like to admit.
Why they get blackmailed easily?
Because they’d rather take the blame than hurt someone else.
Even when that someone else is causing the hurt.
The High Empath (or I also call them The Bleeding Heart)
This one’s also me. I’m a recovering savior complex addict which I talked about in Episode 14.
If someone looks sad, my brain goes: “Oh god, they’ve suffered. Must help them immediately. I am now their emotional emergency hotline.”
Empaths confuse pity with love or responsibility.
So the blackmailer’s tactic is simple: Play the victim. They just have to go, “Oh no, my life is terrible. You’re the only one who understands.”
In other words, they’re telling you: “You’re my emotional maid now.”
Why empaths give in? Because they genuinely feel the other person’s pain. Even when that pain is exaggerated… or fabricated… for manipulation.
It took me a long time to recognize emotional manipulation. I used to brush it off as “maybe I misunderstood” or “maybe they didn’t mean it.”
Because good people always try to give benefit of the doubt.
But these days? I spot it fast. Like… faster than a sale on Shopee. And I call it out immediately. Whether or not they intended it.
Because I’ve learned that intention doesn’t change impact.
And sometimes people don’t even realize how unhealthy their communication style is until you name it.
And honestly? The first time I said, “Hey, that sounds like emotional blackmail,” you should’ve seen the shock on their face.
Like I just unplugged their entire emotional WiFi. But it works. Because awareness disrupts the cycle.
As an adult (and a tired adult at that), I’ve learned: I cannot be the emotional firefighter for everyone’s burning building.
I can care and support. I can even hold space when needed. But I cannot be responsible for the entire universe.
So now, I only invest emotionally in: the people I love, the people who love me back and the people who have shown up for me consistently
Everyone else? They get boundaries. Clear ones. It’s not easy. But neither is being emotionally drained 24/7.
Alright, let’s ground this with something practical. Because clarity helps.
Here’s the Clarity Checklist in the forms of these questions that you should run through anytime you feel like you’re being “pulled” emotionally:
1st question: “Is this actually my responsibility?”
For example, if someone says, “I’m upset because you didn’t help me.”
Pause and ask yourself: “Wait… was that my job? Did I commit to this? Or are they just outsourcing their emotions to me?”
2nd question: “If I say yes, will I resent them later?”
This one hits hard. Because resentment is a sign you’re doing something against your values.
If your brain whispers, “Ugh, I don’t want to do this,” that’s your boundary trying to speak through the noise. Let it speak.
3rd question: “What pattern am I reinforcing if I give in?”
Every time you say yes just to avoid conflict, guilt, or sadness, you’re basically teaching the blackmailer: “This tactic works. Try it again next time.”
Not your fault but it is a cycle you can break and you have to break it.
If you relate to any of this, here’s what you need to know: You’re not flawed, weak or being dramatic. You’re not “too sensitive.” You’re just human. A good one. With a soft heart that manipulative people learned how to hack.
But now you know better. Now you have language for it. And language is power. And with that power, you can break the cycle. One boundary at a time.
Take your heart and peace back. And if anyone tries to FOG you again…just tell them confidently: “Sorry, forecast says no FOG today.”
Alright, that’s all from me. Thanks for listening in. Now, go protect your peace, clear your emotional weather, and remember, if someone tries to guilt-trip you… send them this episode. Consider it a community service. See you in the next one.
