We all love the idea of being helpful. It makes us feel kind, generous, and maybe just a little superior (yep, I said it). But what if our version of “helping” isn’t really about the other person at all?
In this episode, I share a story about a woman selling pastries at a local restaurant in Malaysia and how one conversation with a friend flipped my entire view on what it means to “help.”
We’ll talk about:
- Why helping others feels so good (hello, dopamine!)
- The sneaky ego boost behind some acts of kindness
- The difference between generosity and pity
- And how to make sure our good intentions actually help someone, instead of making it about us.
Full Transcript:
Welcome back to JacQ of All Trades, the podcast for curious minds, multi-passionate creators, and people who wonder if their “helpful” advice is actually helpful.
This is JacQ, your host who occasionally suffer from superhero syndrome. This is Episode 14, and today we’re diving into a tricky but oh-so-relatable topic: Helping People Isn’t Always About Them, It’s Often About Us.
Can you believe I learned this lesson over a plate of noodles?
A few years ago, I was having lunch with a friend at one of those open-air restaurants that South East Asians may be more familiar with; plastic tables, fans turning like they’ve given up on life, food stalls calling out their specialties, and the smell of fried dishes floating in the air.
In the middle of our meal, this woman, maybe in her 60s, came up carrying a tray of pastries. She asked if we wanted to buy some. We didn’t, so we said no. She nodded, turned away, and moved on to the next table.
And that’s when guilt sucker-punched me in the face.
I turned to my friend and said, “I feel bad. Maybe I should just give her some money instead?”
My friend didn’t even blink. He just looked at me and said, “What makes you think she wants your money?”
Oh okay…
Here’s what he meant: giving her money wouldn’t have been for her. It would’ve been for me to soothe my guilt and feed my savior complex. Basically, to make me feel like the hero in a movie where nobody asked me to audition.
Here’s the thing: helping people feels good. Our brains love it. There’s even a name for it: the “helper’s high.” You get the same dopamine rush you’d get from eating McDonald’s fries at midnight or clicking “add to cart” on something you know will arrive, sit in a drawer, and never actually change your life.
Here’s another thing: just because it feels good for us doesn’t mean it actually helps them. Sometimes it’s not even generosity, it’s a low-key ego boost. Like those people who help you move one time, and then bring it up every single time you see them. Like, okay Jason, yes, you carried that one box of Tupperware three years ago, we get it.
My friend broke it down even further. He said, “Imagine if I gave you money right now just because I earn more than you. How would you feel?”
And without thinking I was like, “What? No. I don’t need your money. I’m not a charity case.”
And that’s when the penny dropped. Intent doesn’t always equal impact.
My “help” in that moment wasn’t really about her. It was about me not wanting to sit with the discomfort of watching someone older still hustling so hard. But real help preserves dignity. Fake help, no matter how noble it feels, often strips it away.
[The Uncomfortable Truth]
Here’s the uncomfortable part: a lot of so-called helping is really just us trying to manage our own feelings.
We see someone struggling and it reminds us that life is fragile, that we could be in that position one day. And because we don’t like that thought, we swoop in with money, advice, or random “fixes.”
It lets us walk away patting ourselves on the back, thinking, “Ah yes, I am a good person.” But did we actually help them? Or did we just soothe ourselves?
Think about it:
- That unsolicited advice you gave a friend who just wanted to rant.
- The clothes you donated that nobody actually needs.
- The fundraiser T-shirt you bought where 90% of the money went to admin fees.
- That relative who keeps sending you job listings for careers you’d never touch.
- Or the auntie who insists, “Don’t worry, I’ll find you someone nice to marry.”
Like… thanks, but also, please don’t. It feels good, but does it really help?
So how do we get out of this “feel-good trap”?
Well, it comes down to a few simple shifts:
First, ask before acting. Sometimes the most powerful question you can offer is, “What would help you right now?”
Second, respect their dignity. Real help doesn’t reduce someone to a problem to be solved.
Third, check your ego. If you only feel good when your help gets noticed or praised, maybe it’s not about them after all.
And finally, be okay with doing nothing. Sometimes the kindest thing is just acknowledging someone’s effort without swooping in to “fix” them.
Well, I never gave that woman money. But I’ve carried that lesson with me ever since. Maybe what she wanted wasn’t pity but customers who actually enjoyed her pastries.
Helping people isn’t always about them. Sometimes it’s about us; our guilt, our discomfort, and our need to feel useful. But if we can pause and ask, “Am I doing this for them, or for me?”, we might start to understand what real help looks like.
And maybe, just maybe, it’s less about pity and more about respect.
Thanks for hanging out with me on Episode 14 of JacQ of All Trades. If you enjoyed today’s episode, go ahead and hit subscribe, not only does it support me, but hey, it’ll make you feel good too.
Until next time, stay curious, stay kind, and remember, sometimes helping means holding back. Don’t hold back on hitting follow though. Do it, do it now.
