Have you ever walked away from a conversation thinking, “Wow, that was rude”? Same. For years, I thought abrupt emails, cold responses, or people cutting me off mid-sentence meant they didn’t like me. But here’s what I learned: sometimes, it’s not rudeness, it’s wiring.
In this episode of JacQ of All Trades, I share the mindset shift that changed the way I see people forever. We’ll dig into:
- Why we misread communication styles and take things personally
- How different “operating systems” shape the way people talk, think, and respond
- The corporate horror story where I got “thrown to the wolves” (and came out alive)
- Practical tips to stop misinterpreting tone and start building better bridges
If you’ve ever replayed a convo like a psychological thriller in your head, this episode is for you.
Tune in to learn how to stop taking things personally, recognize the patterns, and make conversations feel less like landmines and more like connections.
Full Episode Transcript:
Hey, welcome back to JacQ of All Trades, the podcast for curious minds and recovering people-pleasers who are just trying to figure out how to deal with difficult people.
This is Episode 12 and today we’re diving into something that lowkey saved my sanity: understanding why not everyone who sounds rude is actually being rude. Sometimes, people are just wired differently and once I learned that, a lot of my old social migraines made way more sense.
Okay. Let’s rewind a little.
For years, I legit thought some people were just… rude. Like, why are you replying to emails like you’re mad at your keyboard? Why are you cutting me off mid-sentence like this is a debate competition and I forgot my cue?
When I was in corporate, oh boy, the abrupt emails, the frosty one-liners, or the mid-meeting ghosting. I’d take it all to heart. But then… I had a lightbulb moment. And it started with this simple truth: We are not all running on the same operating system.
And when I say “wired differently,” I don’t mean it in the cute, “aww everyone’s a unicorn” kind of way. I mean it in the literal, neurological, our-brains-are-not-the-same kind of way.
I first stumbled across this idea more than a decade ago while nerding out on Carl Jung’s psychological types, you know, the ancient ancestors of those personality tests that shall-not-be-named. (I’m looking at you, four-letter acronyms.)
I started by trying to figure myself out… and ended up realizing, “Oh snap. This explains other people too.”
When Personality Clashes, So Does Communication
Let’s play this out.
Maybe you try to say something gently to protect someone’s feelings and they accuse you of being shady or manipulative.
Or you give a direct, no-frills answer and suddenly you’re “cold” or “insensitive.”
How about when you take a moment to think before answering, they read it as passive-aggressive. And when you process by talking it out, they’re basically gripping the armrest, waiting for you to finally land the plane.
Same conversation. Completely different experience. Why? Because our brains filter communication through four main lenses:
- Are you concrete or abstract when taking in information?
- Do you make decisions with logic or values?
- Are you a “think before you speak” person, or a “talk to figure it out” type?
- Do you recharge with people (the extroverts) or in peace and quiet (the introverts)?
Most of us assume our way is the default. But it’s not.
Now, What Helped Me Stop Taking Everything Personally
Here’s the mindset shift that basically rescued my relationships and my mental health:
People aren’t usually communicating to annoy you. They’re just communicating the only way that makes sense to them.
Some people are thinkers; they value clarity and efficiency. Others are feelers (hi, that’s me) and we crave connection, tone, and emotional nuance.
Some people reflect before they speak (the introverts). Others speak to figure out what they think (the extroverts).
None of these styles are “wrong.” But if you don’t recognize the differences, you’re gonna keep misreading intent.
Like:
- That person sending you one-word emails? Might not be a jerk, just efficient and focused.
- That friend who sends long voice notes with five side stories? Probably just needs to talk it out and feel heard.
- That partner who goes quiet during an argument? Maybe not stonewalling, just trying to process before replying.
Realizing this gave me so much breathing room. I stopped jumping to worst-case scenarios and started asking better questions.
Let me share with you The Time I Got “Thrown to the Wolves” and Lived
Back when I was a bright-eyed conference manager, I had to coordinate with some serious big-name speakers. Like, industry titans, academics, and Very Important People who didn’t have time for fluff.
My coworkers, at that time, were terrified of some of these folks.
“Oh that guy? Rude. Total diva.”
“That woman? She’ll eat you alive.”
Naturally, guess who got assigned to work with them? Yep. Me. The new kid. Human sacrifice.
But here’s the thing: I didn’t approach them like they were problems. I approached them like they were people. Real, possibly grumpy, but ultimately decent people.
Some didn’t smile. Some had sharp tones…sharp enough to slice open my inner child. And as someone who leads with feelings? That stung.
So I needed to remind myself that they’re probably not trying to be rude. They’re just direct communicators. So I tried not to take it personally. And guess what? Most of them responded to that energy.
Some even softened. Gave me a smile. Shared a joke. Let their guard down a little. Others? Still stoic and blunt. But respectful. Efficient. Zero drama. And I’ll take that any day.
That whole experience taught me: friendliness doesn’t always look like what you expect. Some people aren’t rude. They’re just wired for clarity, not coddling.
Look, I’m not saying those personality models are gospel truth. But they do give me a compass for navigating the wild jungle of human interaction.
Here’s what I try to do now and no, I’m not perfect, but it does help.
First, I pause before interpreting.
If someone’s message feels sharp or confusing, I ask:
“Is this just how they talk… or am I projecting my own style onto them?”
Nine times out of ten, that tiny pause makes a huge difference.
Second, I adjust my language when I can.
Not to be fake, but to be kind.
If someone values clarity, I add more context.
If someone’s sensitive to tone, I soften mine.
If someone’s all about getting to the point, I skip the small talk. Not like I enjoy them anyway.
It’s not about changing who I am. It’s about speaking their language so the message actually lands.
Third, I stop expecting people to read my mind.
Sometimes, I literally tell them what I’m doing. Like “I’m thinking out loud here…” or “I need time to process before I answer.”
Just that little clarification? Saves so many misunderstandings.
If I Could Tell My Younger Self One Thing…
It’d be this: Not everyone communicates like you. And that’s okay.
It’s not personal. It’s neurological.
We all look like we’re speaking the same language. But underneath? We’re running totally different code. And once you start recognizing that, conversations stop feeling like landmines and start becoming actual bridges.
If this is relatable to you, or if you’ve got a friend who seems like a walking contradiction (like me), maybe send this episode their way. Until next time, stay kind, stay curious, and try not to take one-word emails too personally. Thanks for hanging out with me. I’ll see you in the next episode.
